


There is a light that never goes out

by humhumhum



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alderaan still exists, Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, First Love, First Time, Growing Up, Jedi Rey, Secret Marriage, Senator Ben Solo, Teenagers, sexual awakening
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-06 11:32:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13410360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humhumhum/pseuds/humhumhum
Summary: She knows she will be a Jedi one day, she feels it in her bones, but Ben is different, she wants him on her side but knows all the while he is destined to another fate.





	1. Ahch-To I

He arrives with a light type of freighter, Rey is back from mushroom hunting, basket still in hand when she sees him descending the ship with rapid steps, closely followed by another man. Master Luke is waiting for the guests on the old ruins. She gets curious and steps closer. Both men seem reticent, stone-faced. The older one, the one in the nerf-hide jacket begins to talk with the Master, Rey cannot hear what they are talking. The younger one is donned with black from head to toe, he is tall like a Galek tree and thin like a high branch. Like he hears what she is thinking, he suddenly turns towards her. Started, Rey averts her eyes quickly, her fingers cling to the almost-full basket as she walks away from them as silent as she can manage. 

When she returns to the temple, she finds him in a light padawan attire, sitting at the long-table with everyone else. He seems like a giant among the younglings. Rey approaches slowly, a bit ashamed because of the earlier encounter. 

Master Luke’s voice stops her. ‘‘Ben, this is Rey, she is the eldest apprentice in this temple.’’ 

Without looking at her, the guest answers shrewishly ‘‘Not anymore.’’ 

What he said is true; he is much older than she is, practically a man.

The master looks at Rey and calmly introduces; ‘‘Rey, this is Ben Solo, he is here to learn.’’ 

She turns towards Ben, he seems utterly indifferent, still not acknowledging her presence. ‘‘Greetings Ben Solo, may the force guide you.’’ 

He briefly glances at her then, with eyes dark like a Hijarna stone and says absolutely nothing in return.

Without pride Rey silently retires to her place, beside the Master. She came from nowhere, she is accustomed to being ignored. Once she begins to eat stewed mushroom she forgets anything happened at all. 

…

Ben Solo is silent, he doesn’t talk, not with Rey, not with anyone. She is curious by nature, she spends most of her time among the holovids the temple has, watching everything about the minerals, trees, different species of different planets. She asks, always asks but the younglings are too young to tell her detailed stories about the places they come from and Master Luke does not talk about himself. Ben must be twenty, five years his senior, or maybe even more, and he walks around like a king, so she knows he must have tales, interesting ones probably. She wants to talk with him; learn where he was before, what he saw, what he ate, where he lived? But Ben ignores her, and if she comes too close to his liking, a cruel, cold look comes over his face like he would strike her with his stick if she continues to get near him.  
So Rey is forced to back away, forget her desire to talk with him, although this is not an easy task, considering they are the only ones that can meditate for hours and Rey is the only one that has enough strength to spare with him (even though he beats him relentlessly because she is too stubborn to quit). 

Even without talking with him, she knows he is supercilious, he looks down at her. It doesn’t like Master Luke’s lessons on humbleness inspires him. Though, he does not bother to look at younglings with insulting eyes, maybe because they are too young to understand or maybe he knows where she comes from and picks on her because of it.

When he finally talks to her, of course, it is for scorning. They are sparring, both following the basic moves of Shii-Cho, she has more years of formal training, but he knows how to fight. They are supposed to maintain a distance, trying to disarm the other without actually causing hurt. But Ben has an anger, he becomes agitated when she resists and resisting is the only way of surviving she knows, so she does. 

Ben grows furious after a time in the training circle, the power behind his quarterstaff becomes more and more violent. She knows what frustrates him; she is small for her age, thin like a child, and still, she continuously dares to fight back. He thinks sparing with her is a form of humiliation, whenever Master Luke orders them to train together, he glowers with anger. Today is no different. He boils like a womp rat stew. 

Rey bends but does not surrender, she gets tired and begins to draw large circles to keep him away. She knows her own weakness; she is not a match for his raw power, not yet at least, but she also knows his emotional state makes him weak. And just as she waits for, he falters in his haste, he moves too quickly and opens himself to an attack. She strikes with her all, aiming for his weapon, his quarterstaff slips from his grip, giving her the victory for the first time in three months they began to train together. Ben stands there, in the center of the circle, his face is an ugly shade of red. He steps forward slowly, looming over her, he says; ‘‘Don’t think you defeated me little scavenger. You are no one, you are nothing.’’ She looks at him with shock, how can he know such a thing? Apart from her master, no one knows. 

‘‘Ben.’’ Master Luke’s toneless voice cuts in, ‘‘Follow me.’’ ‘‘Rey you did well, you can proceed to your meditation.’’

…

After the incident in the training ring, she becomes wary of him, even though he turns to his old ways and ignores her, she begins to suspect his gifts. Although she likes to talk, she is also her own person and absolutely hates being picked apart by a stranger. 

Lucky for them both, Master Luke does not match them to train again. When Rey has to meditate she pays attention to his whereabouts and tries to pick the furthest corner of the meditation hall. He seems like even more resigned, he does not eat much, certainly not with the appetite Rey possesses. Rey can’t help herself, she observes him like a wounded sand-skitter, but he never glances her way, he sits like a pale statue, his plate remains untouched. 

Weeks slithers by, Rey’s wariness never dies out, but declines eventually with his silence. She is in mushroom hunting once again when that beautiful freighter returns, she itches to go back to examine it, regretfully, she continues to walk the path she is already in. She has to finish hunting quickly if she wants to avoid the rain. Unfortunately, it begins to drizzle as soon as she reaches the dense part of the woods. She runs and takes shelter in her favorite place, it is a tall but especially narrow cave, carved naturally from a gigantic rock. 

Rey is there maybe for a quarter hour when she hears him. She carefully peers out and sees Ben’s tall figure a few meters away. He acts like crazy, he does nothing to escape the rain, no, he just kicks and hits tree barks and shouts like a wild animal. Rey doesn’t know what to do, the rain in Ahch-To can be dangerous. Ben does not seem like avoiding from the earth-shaking lightenings. It is frightening to approach him in his state, so Rey waits for Master Luke to appear and take Ben away, minutes pass but the Master does not come. She closes her eyes for a second, trying to find the necessary courage. Another scream, so high, it overrides the rumbling rain, and suddenly she leaves the cave, runs towards him.

‘‘Ben!’’ She shouts. ‘‘We must take cover!’’ 

He stops hitting the tree and turns to her with burning eyes. She immediately recoils, but it is too late. That raw, pure anger focuses on her, he begins to come towards him. She can see his quick breaths evaporating in the air, she senses his boiling rage. Rey steps backward with fear. Without taking his eyes from her, he walks intently, like a killing beam of a blaster. She picks a middle-sized rock and throws at him, it finds his left shoulder, which antagonizes him even more. Rey runs to the cave with instinct, she thinks that the entrance of the cave is too narrow for him to follow her, but as soon as she steps in, he grabs her leg and yanks it with a crazy strength. She falls but all the while manages to kick him in the center of his chest and evades his grip. She crawls into the cave, but he is thin enough to follow him. His hands, quick like an attacking snake, catch her once again. She loses herself into the fear and reaches the force within her blindly. They hear a roar suddenly, instinctually Rey throws herself backward. The stone mouth of the cave falls down on Ben with a terrifying momentum. He screams in pain and goes down under the rubble. 

She stands slowly from where she fell, her heart gallops in her chest.

‘‘Ben?’’ 

She shoots ahead and begins to clean the small rocks. His eyes are closed, there is a long gash on his face. She tries to move him to no avail, she inspects the reason and realizes the heavy piece of rock crushing his leg. She tries to remove it, all the while fearing what she will find behind it, but it does not budge.

‘‘Master!’’ ‘‘Master Luke!’’ She screams at the top of her lungs but no one comes. She holds Ben’s cold hand. ‘‘Ben?’’ ‘‘Can you hear me?’’ 

She has to leave him to find help, she doesn’t have time to panic. As soon as she lets go of his hand, she begins to shake. There is something awfully wrong. Suddenly she understands that she cannot leave Ben, if she does, something terrible will happen. She reaches and holds his hand one more time. 

‘‘Ben? Please, wake up!’’ 

Ben does not stir, but suddenly the cold, dark cave disappears. She is in a dim room with high ceilings, looking at a familiar face. Ben is livid, shouting at a beautiful woman. 

‘‘You never ask me what I want! You just want to get rid of me!’’ 

The woman does not say anything, her face cold, and not-yielding.

She feels the despair of Ben, how he wants to stay, how he hates her but needs her at the same time.

‘‘Mother, please! Just, please.’’ He says in a desperate tone.

‘‘This is for your own good Ben. You will like Luke I promise.’’ Her tone leaves no place for objection.

‘‘I hate you. I hate all of you.’’ Ben screams and destroys the elegant-looking table behind him. 

‘‘Ben, this behavior…’’

But her words are left unfinished. Ben, like a rabid animal, begins to assault everything within reach. 

Rey feels his hot-white rage, how it swallows everything, he has to stay here, he cannot leave but he does not know how to express himself, they don’t understand him and it makes him crazy. 

Still shaky with the whirlpool of his feelings, both find themselves in another room, there are old parchments everywhere, the air smells old and heavy. She is behind a window with Ben, they are peering from large, beautiful windows, secretly following two insidious shadows in the garden. They are far away, but Ben hears them in his mind when he focuses and through him, Rey can hear them too.

‘‘Can’t we just, I don’t know, monitor him? He has a temper, that is for sure, but he is young… The other boys at his age…’’

‘‘They don’t strangle their governess in a fit of rage.’’

‘‘I know, but, I used to be different, when I was young…’’

‘‘Han you are still the same.’’

‘‘Yeah, I know, but if we can send him away how can we help him to find his way?’’

‘‘He is not an ordinary, hot-blooded young man, there is too much Vader in him. We can’t help him, but maybe Luke can.’’

Ben lets out a low, pained sound. His last hope comes to naught; his useless father fails him again. He burns out with an endless hate, he shakes with its intensity.

Rey is possessed by his rage, by his loneliness. It overcomes her, consumes her until nothing left but that dark, dull, biting feeling.

‘‘Ben’’ She says in a whisper. 

He realizes her presence at once.

‘‘What do you want from me!?’’ He screams. 

She feels his relentless attack, trying to enter her mind. She resists and he presses, grabbing what he can find on the way, pieces from her loneliness, her endless hunger, her tears. He is hurting her, intruding, forcing his way, ruining her mind. She understands suddenly and takes him with her, takes him willingly. They return to the desert, the scorching sun looks at them mercilessly. They are thirsty, hungry, dirty and lonely. Rey takes a long breath and closes her eyes to bring him into that place she goes whenever she feels like that. No voices in there, just darkness, everything stays untouched, it is eerie but peaceful. Slowly, they find what they are looking for: a flickering light. 

Every living thing dies and springs once again, every hope falls into desperation and new hopes take their place, but the light stays undisturbed. One day there will be no life, no suns and, no moons, but the eternal light unbound, will last forever. Rey carries that light in her mind and finds it when she needs it. 

She senses Ben’s fear from it. It is a thing cold and certain, sharp and plain. He does not know what to do with it, it is untouchable, impenetrable but so simple. His fear grows and Rey understands at once, he does not fear from the light, he fears that something in him can hurt it. 

‘‘But nothing can hurt it, it will be there forever, you can lose your way to it, but whatever you do, it will always be there.’’ 

And Ben knows that too, he can sense the truth in her words. His anguish bites a little bit less, they both feel much lighter. 

‘‘Thank you.’’ He says with a hesitant voice.

She wakes up slowly, Rey takes in the sickbed she is in. Curiously, she realizes that she can sense Ben’s presence in the room, close but in deep sleep, and then she meets with the watchful eyes of Master Luke.


	2. Ahch-To II

Rey returns to her studies after three days, but Ben needs more time than that. The Master said that Ben’s leg will heal but the scar in his face probably will stay for the rest of his life. He asked Rey about the cave, she said it was an accident. She told Master Luke about the rain and how suddenly the cave collapsed but she remained silent about the fight. Master Luke’s scrutinizing eyes pierced through her, but in the end, he released her without question.

Healed but still feeling tired, she gradually returns to her work with younglings. Almost all of them are grown enough to work in the kitchen, except BB8, who is just 5 years old. Still, it is clear that their sickness has affected them, the Master had to nurse Rey and Ben, and without him, the disarray immediately begins to show itself. 

She attends at their meditation lessons, she corrects the wrong forms, listens to their childish voices and answers their questions as much as she can. 

When the lesson ends, she sends them away to clean the hall but a ginger head stays behind.

‘‘Hey, BB, everything is ok.?’’

He begins to chatter immediately, he speaks Galactic Standard but the other children have some difficulties understanding his accent. So, he usually waits for Rey to talk with and today is no different. Giving him an ear, Rey clears up the hall.

‘‘I miss you too’’ Reys says to her; seeing that he stands especially close to her today. BB does not like hugs or kisses, but he is an affectionate child, he likes to be close to other people, and Rey knows she is his favorite. Other children only occasionally require her help or her attention, they are almost the same age so usually they prefer to spend their time together. BB is different, he is a lonely kid, not just because of his heavy accent, but because he is much younger than the others. Five years age difference matters too much in early childhood. 

She knows she must be careful with him, Master Luke explained Rey why it is dangerous to connect with the others too closely; a Jedi apprentice must be detached, closeness can bring pain and sadness, the emotional pain eventually brings remorse and remorse breeds anger. But it is hard to remember that when she sees BB in his corner, all alone in this world. BB needs her and she loves him like the brother she never had.

‘‘I will pick some herbs for the soup, do you want to come with me?’’ He does, so they take the basket and head out.

Rey tries to be quick, and BB follows Rey with his surprising pace like always he does; never falling behind. He even helps her to pick nettle and some mallow in the end. 

On their way back, Rey sees that the ship is still there. She stops and curiously looks at it. 

‘‘Its name is Falcon.’’ 

Reys starts and turns back to the voice. 

It is the old man who came with Ben, the man in the garden.

‘‘It is beautiful.’’

‘‘Who is he?’’ BB pipes up. 

Before Rey can say anything, the man answers him: ‘‘I am Han Solo, Ben’s father.’’

Rey does not sense any malicious intent behind his voice; she is wary of him nonetheless. 

‘‘I just wanted to say thank you kid.’’ The man says with a kind voice. ‘‘You saved Ben’s life; if you ever want to take a closer look at Falcon, be my guest, ok.?’’

She doesn’t correct him, instead she asks curtly; ‘‘Are you here to take Ben away?’’ An unexpected feeling takes over her heart, like the breath she takes is not enough for her.

‘‘That will be Ben’s choice.’’

Rey nods her head to him as a departing signal; she feels like her voice won’t work and she doesn’t know why.

…

 

She stays away from Ben, surely he will abandon the temple once the wound in his leg heals and he will return to where he came from, where he never wanted to be departed from in the first place. She doesn’t have a clear idea why, but the idea depresses her. She doesn’t actually blame him. If she has a home, a family, she surely would do just like him, it just saddens her to think that he will go away, maybe because it reminds her that she has nowhere other than Ahch-To. 

She sees Ben two weeks later, he is in the main chamber with everybody else. Younglings have already started to eat but Ben’s hands are under the table. As soon as she enters in, his sharp brown eyes raise and find her; there is a pink scar on his face but the sight does not disturb her. She feels weird, her legs feel like rubber, they carry her automatically to her usual place. She greets Master Luke and sits down. She starts to eat and out of the corner of her eye she sees that he begins to eat too. It is an odd thing to take note of it, yet, she cannot help herself but be aware of his presence. After the meal, she realizes that this is the first time in her life that she can’t remember at all what she has just eaten. 

A couple of days pass without incident. She carries on her responsibilities like always. She is in the front garden with BB when she sees Falcon’s departure. Her heart lurches in her chest, she abruptly stands.

BB is telling her something but she cannot hear it, her world feels like come crashing down on her, till she realizes the two familiar faces returning to the temple with slow steps; Master Luke is ahead, Ben is just behind him. She looks at Ben, cannot make herself look elsewhere. He is donned with his light brown robe; seeing it calms her heart inexplicably. Ben’s searching gaze is on her, she feels embarrassed suddenly. 

BB asks her what is wrong, she pulls herself together enough to tell him; nothing is wrong. Everything is fine, and when her heart stops beating madly she decides that she doesn’t like what she is feeling, not at all. And resolves on the fact that she must stay away from Ben. 

…

Something is seriously wrong with Ben.

She grew accustomed to being ignored by him; she had at least the luxury of watching him from distance then. After the Falcon’s departure, it seems like he is everywhere, whenever she throws him a glance she finds him looking at her. It is weird. She feels weird. 

It is too early in the morning, the training hall is still dark and empty except Rey. She finishes her unsuccessful session of meditation with a frustrated sigh. She thought the silence of the morning might help her but she is wrong again. She fails to complete even the most basic drills; concentration was never an issue in the past, now it just doesn’t come to her. She raises from her place and senses his presence just outside of the hall. 

There is something wrong with Rey too.

Her mouth suddenly feels dry, not knowing what to do, she sits once again abruptly and closes her eyes quickly. She wants to talk with him but dreads it at the same time. It is really confusing. 

He steps in and Rey’s heart feels like it wants to leave her chest. ‘‘What if he is reading my mind now?’’ She thinks and feels an excruciating warmth climbs from her chest to her face. She does not understand why she feels like this; like she is sick. 

She cracks one of her eyes just a little bit and finds him just a few steps away, looking at her. She closes her eyes tightly and tries to concentrate without success. Her mind is a mess, she wants to sit with him, be close to him, but wants to escape from him too. She tries to understand these new feelings but she is overcome with the turmoil that comes with it every time. She stands up without looking at him and leaves. Ben does not move from his place, does not say anything to her, but does not take his eyes from her either until she disappears. 

…

When she goes to sleep he haunts her, one way or another her thoughts find him. She thinks about weird things, lists the times she has seen him, she thinks about his hands and his nose and his ears and his hair and that is a really stupid thing to do.

He is stubborn. She tries to avoid him and he relentlessly searches for her. Despite her endless love for the green woods, she begins to send the older children to her place to pick herbs, for the fear of coming across to him alone. Why is she afraid of him? She asks herself, but she cannot find the answer. Despite his burning eyes following her everywhere, she doesn’t think that he will actually do something to harm her again. She just knows that she shouldn’t be alone with him, certainly not in the woods. 

But of course, he finally finds her.

She is working with BB, he is a brilliant kid but still, he experiences some difficulties with his training; especially about sitting still for a moment so he can meditate. 

‘‘BB, you are distracting the others.’’

BB begins to chant his smartass explanation, destroying the concentration of the children further, which quickly can end with twelve little rebels running around freely.

‘‘No, I am observing you for fifteen minutes, they are just trying to focus, you are the one distracting them.’’

BB is especially energetic today, once she understands he won’t settle, she says;

‘‘We will work alone today ok? You can work with them tomorrow.’’

He nods eagerly and follows her.

‘‘No, we are not going to the woods. We will meditate in the courtyard.’’

BB talks all the way to there. She just manages to persuade her into meditation when she feels Ben’s eyes behind her back. She waits silently for a while, hoping that he goes away, but of course he just stands there.

Once she is assured that BB is caught up in his meditation, she silently arises from her stance and goes to him.

Instead of greeting her he just says; ‘‘It is a weird name, BB8.’’

She shrugs; ‘‘He has seven other siblings and he is the youngest child of his family.’’

‘‘Apparently, they have no imagination.’’

His answer startles her, he was not ridiculing BB’s family, it was delivered as a light joke. She looks at his small smile, he has freckles and his ears peeking from his raven-like hair. Her heart flutters within her uncomfortably.

‘‘Fraternizing with others is forbidden, the only close relationship can be formed between the apprentice and the master.’’ She says.

‘‘Luke is not here.’’

‘‘Don’t call him that!’’

‘‘Master Luke is not here, and you talk with everyone except me.’’

‘‘Because they are just kids…’’ She answers and stops talking when she realizes what her words actually mean.

His eyes, brilliant with something she has no name to describe, roams her face; like he is memorizing the details.

‘‘You need someone to talk and I am here. Talk with me.’’

‘‘I don’t have anything to say to you.’’

‘‘Then meditate with me.’’ 

She is taken aback by his offer. 

‘‘Why?’’

‘‘Because it will calm me.’’

Without saying anything she sits, amidst of the long grasses, he follows her track. She closes her eyes and tries to find the serenity within her. Minutes pass by and her attempts for deep meditation fail spectacularly. She feels his presence so acutely, like its the force itself, she feels his radiating warmth on her skin. She hears his slow breathing, she knows where he exactly begins end where he ends. She is aware of him like nothing she has ever been aware of before. Her rhythm falters and his breathing answers by quickening. A warm feeling, foreign but so sweet rises from her. She is pulled off from that feeling when she hears BB’s stirring; it must be a new record for him to hold this long. 

Ben stands before her and extends his hand. Timidly she takes his hand, using Ben’s strength to straighten herself. As soon as she touches him, that sweet feeling floods her, his eyes find hers, something silent transpires between them. Ben nods to her lightly, like they are agreed on something. 

They walk the short way back together, BB is in between, talking about his successful meditation. Rey feels strange about three of them walking like this. She looks at Ben and like he knows something she does not know, he answers her with a hooded gaze. 

…

Against all the earlier efforts of Rey’s, once they begin to interact, they never bother to put a stop to it again.

…

‘‘Are you trying to establish your own Jedi guild?’’

‘‘Yes, we will take over the old man’s place, it is about time,’’ Ben answers her while he assesses the composure of the two children he is working with. 

‘‘No, not like that!’’ He snaps finally. ‘‘Try to use your brains when you are fighting.’’ 

The children have actually the nerve to look even more confused.

Ben takes a long breath.

‘‘Think! You have no weapon and she has a vibroblade, so what you should do?’’ Rey cannot help but smile a little bit at their combined misery.

‘‘Apprentice Rey, can you please kind enough to join us, so I can demonstrate what I am talking about?’’ Ben asks with a dry voice.

She certainly does not want to do it but has no reason to deny him.

Ben takes the wooden spoon from Zan, who looks a little bit terrified. She has a small frame, a typical characteristic for a Bimm, and peaceful face; her long, gracious ears quiver a little bit with stress when Ben reaches for the spoon. 

‘‘Now, watch carefully.’’

He doesn’t wait for a signal and attacks immediately, Rey barely manages to retreat. She assesses their positions, calculates her chances against him. He has a weapon and advantage of height and strength. So, when the second strike follows she doesn’t pull away, she quickly avoids his attack and gets closer. She holds the arm carrying the weapon with all her power. He kicks her, but her closeness limits his range of movement and weakens the power behind it. She strikes quickly and surprises him with a bite on his bony shoulder. Taking advantage of his momentary astonishment she pushes Ben toward the wall, then she slams his hand to the wall, trying to force him to drop his weapon. She can hear his rapid breaths mingling with her own, she can feel his chest rising and falling; filling her with a brand new kind of thrill. He doesn’t try to break her hold, his towering height seems so compact at the moment; like he is trying to adjust himself to her height, like a desert plum spreads in a certain way to catch scarce water. She can feel his burning body over her clothes. His leg is secured between hers, his eyes watching her with a rapt attention. She feels a trickling wetness between her legs and that makes her recede hastily. 

The children don’t seem to sense what is going on, just waiting for the end of the fight. 

‘‘So, tell me what you should do when you don’t have the advantage of a weapon and don’t have a chance to escape?’’ Ben’s usually low-pitched voice actually sounds oddly high. 

Rey realizes her hands are shaking and sees Ben’s glance on them. She silently exits when the children begin to theorize what would they do in a similar situation.

…


	3. Ahch-To III

Master Luke sits in the Lotus position as he waits for Rey to work out the general meaning behind the holovid.

Rey tries to focus on the strange language but she quickly loses the thread of the vid playing out. With regret and boredom, she exhales soundly; she couldn’t find the time to practice her Mugaar between her responsibilities in the temple and conversations she and Ben had. 

Master Luke seems unsurprised.

‘‘Your Mugaar seems to get rusty, but more than that, you are distracted, your mind wanders and your control is weak.’’ He says not chidingly but with a thoughtful air.

‘‘I am sorry Master, I will try harder.’’

They work a half hour more but both know that it is a lost cause. Rey can barely think other than the fact that Ben is probably waiting for her in the woods. She tries to rein in her impatience but like always her Master senses her true feelings.

‘‘I see that there are things waiting for your attention.’’ His eyes wander on her as she waits to be relieved. ‘‘Go and finish it then.’’ 

She stands up slowly from her place with a strange uneasiness. 

Master Luke turns to his work, he seems to pay her no attention anymore, but even so, she can feel his eagle-eyed attention on her, even after she leaves the temple. 

…

Rey senses Ben’s calm presence behind her; it is getting easier and easier to track down his feelings, today he feels almost happy. He crouches down beside her and pulls the thorny arm of the bush to help her. Nimbly she picks up the bellberries hiding out deep inside the long branches. They continue to work in silence till her bag is full. She stands up slowly and Ben like always follows her track. 

Rey offers her the harvest, Ben takes one from her but refuses to eat more than that.

Her hands are sticky with the rich purple of the fruit; she tries to wipe them with the small handkerchief she carries for this purpose.

‘‘Hopeless.’’ He says, looking at her hands haughtily.

Ben has the strangest attitude towards stains. He never flinches at the side of blood, mud or sweat but on the matter of food he is awfully careful. She suspects it is because of the court manners drilled into him from childhood.

They begin to walk slowly, the woods around them is silent, leave the occasional calls of the birds of prey. He is so tall beside her, but not stoic and frightening like he used to be. He still has a cruel streak and an anger enough to burn the temple to the ground but he also has an unexplainable gentleness and a kind of youthful naivete. The thought of him as an adult seems ridiculous now; despite his claims on the issue.

‘‘Ben, how old are you in Galactic Standard? 

‘‘I was preparing to have my own knights before coming here, I wrote and chanted balads, I had a place in the court.’’

‘‘And these are enough to be considered as an adult in Alderaan?’’

Surprisingly his normally pale cheeks are colored with her question.

‘‘No.’’

Avoiding from her eyes, he looks down. She gets awfully curious but knows better than asking him, so she waits for him to give in.

He continues finally after a long pause;

‘‘I don’t think I will ever be considered as an adult in Alderaan if I choose to live in Jedi way.’’

She looks at him for a second questioningly, before the understanding downs on her and she is furiously blushing too.

‘‘I will be eighteen in this fall.’’ He says but she doesn’t have the courage to follow that conversation anymore. Thinking him like that is a burning arrow in her chest. It reminds her that he can be touched in that way, he can be laid out, he can be taken.

A heavy silence descends between them; neither of them has the heart to break it. They are almost halfway through the woods when a heavy spring rain presses suddenly. They can run to the temple but there is a silent agreement between them to follow longer paths, to take frequent breaks in the way when they are together. So they take shelter near the Great Tree without saying anything about it. 

They sit together under the roots of one of the huge trees and listen to the rain. It is almost impossible now to not looking at him. From profile he reminds her every inch of the rulers he told her about in their long walks. She has seen many faces in her lifetime; the rough and dry faces of the desert had their distinct qualities she had to learn to survive, she learned the softer ones in the temple by heart with a far more warm feeling, but Ben’s ivory face feels different. When she looks at him she feels like his face holds the secrets worth galaxies. 

Ben is not meeting with her eyes; his gaze is fixed on the Great Tree when he talks. 

‘‘Does it seem ugly to you?’’

She is so caught up in watching him, for a moment she can’t fathom what he is talking about.

Ben’s long fingers hover over the scar on his face.

‘‘No.’’ Answers Rey without even thinking. She doesn’t know how to say it; there is nothing ugly in Ben, nothing can be ugly about him, it is simply impossible.

Ben seems to understand the meaning of her words because he glances away, the tips of his ears turning crimson.

Rain slows down suddenly like it begins; she knows that they can’t return to the temple in this mood when the air is so transparently charged between them. Her mind cowers from the meaning of this deception they deploy frequently; her thoughts shy away from the fact that they are trying to deceive Master Luke about their friendship. 

‘‘Are there berries in Alderaan?’’ She asks in a light tone.

‘‘Yes. My favorite was Starberry when I was a child.’’ Ben tries but his voice comes old and tired suddenly; so different than the one from earlier. 

Talking about the food Ben liked or at least tried in past is almost a custom at this point for them but now it seems foolish.

As his hands demonstrating the shape of the fruit, Ben continues with a voice veering in nostalgia:

‘‘Imagine small golden globes; they have sharp spikes, if you touch them, it smells pleasant. Because they are really hard to find, it used to be a form of reward; if a musician could compose a great lyrical song, the royals would give him a handful or so I have heard.’’

It is a little bit surprising how frequently Ben talks about songs and poems of his home. According to him a man in a respectful station in Alderaan must play an instrument and recite a great variation of poems masterfully. Rey knows Ben has a Mandoviol back in his home. She would like to listen him playing it. But unfortunately, possessing things are not the Jedi way, even if it is a beautiful thing, or especially those things. 

‘‘You must dine with me one day in Alderaan.’’ Ben says in a whisper. 

‘‘I don’t think I can compose anything that can worth those berries.’’

Ben looks at her then, like she is worth worlds; not just golden berries. 

That heavy silence turns back and this time they don’t try to break it; they both are too tired to fight with it.

…

With a matching pace, they walked back to the temple, their heart is heavy with what transpired between them. Her bleak thoughts suddenly give their place to guilt and blind panic when they see Master Luke is waiting for them in the front garden.

He takes them in slowly before talking;

‘‘Come.’’ He says to Rey with a tone leaving no place to objection.

Ben looks like he wants to follow them, he takes a step but when Rey sends him a silent but powerful no, he stops. They left him there with a face glowing sickly and seems like burning from within.

Master Luke takes Rey into his studies, it is her second time there after her very first day in the temple. When the wooden door is closed, she understands the severity of the issue. Her master serves tea for both of them. She looks at the dark leaves swimming on the surface of her cup; dreading to hear the words he will utter.

‘‘We can’t possess valuable things; for that a Jedi can be captivated by them.’’

A gloomy feeling creeps over her and catches her heart in its cold grip.

Master Luke puts away the cup in his hand; his face is incredibly soft but final as a death sentence.

‘‘You never have an affinity for worldly things; even in eating you never show any desire to have than you must. But you are learning that there are sweeter things to have in this world, brighter than valuable stones, savory than any meal has any right to be and even more dangerous than the most cruel weapon in the reckless hands of our enemies.’’

She is crushed under his words, formed with compassion and understanding. 

‘‘The only thing a Jedi can be tied is the Force itself; the softness of a mother, warmth of a friend, temptation of a lover must be defeated. We cherish these things but we cannot give ourselves to them. Lose of closeness turns into sorrow, disappearance of a friend turns into distraction, seperation from a lover is a torment that casts great darkness into one’s heart. The only thing a Jedi can own is the force; as the force is the only owner of the Jedi.’’ 

At the time Master Luke finishes his talk, half of Rey’s tea has spilled into her lap; her hands are shaking so violently. She senses Ben’s unbalanced presence outside. The thought of leaving Ben alone, distressed, gives her such a terrible pain, her heart feels like it is torn apart, but she sees no alternative. She has nothing to do other than accepting her fate and when she answers, her voice remains steady.

‘‘I understand Master.’’ 

‘‘Send Ben in please.’’

Rey nods and she is permitted to leave.

She sees Ben’s furious face on the corner as soon as she steps out. His face darkened with ire that deeply saddens Rey. She waits but Ben doesn’t move towards her or acknowledge her presence. For a moment like an eternity, she looks at him and feels small, crushed thoroughly; as she is discarded once again. His disdainful manner dissolves in a matter of seconds, leaving its place something softer. He comes to her. She should be furious with him for prying around her mind but only feeling she can muster is the relief. He closes the distance between them and takes her hand. This is the first time they are touching outside of their duties and it leaves both of them shaky. She realizes his hand will be sticky with purple extract of the berries and thinks that Master Luke will see it. She promised her Master just now and not minutes later she is breaking her promise.

‘‘Don’t think about him!’’ Ben whispers in an angry voice. ‘‘How can you even think about him when you are…’’ 

(With me. When I can’t think anything other than you.)

He doesn’t finish his sentence but she understands it.

But it is Master Luke, how can she continue to offend her master? When he is like a… 

He suddenly lets go of her hand with a venomous expression:

‘‘He is not your father. He is just an imposter exploiting you for meaningless work that he can’t be bothered to do by himself. And you are a desert rat who spends her worthless life for nothing, you will have nothing in the end.’’

‘‘I am sorry to have bothered you with my plebian origins Prince Solo; I will refrain to do so in the future.’’ She answers his attack with an acidic tone because she doesn’t know how to say that she indeed has no father and Master Luke is the closest thing she is allowed to have. She can still love Ben from afar but if she disobeys the Master she can get dismissed from the Order and lose the only family she has.

Hearing her words, Ben’s face turns ashen. She waits for him to strike but he just passes her by and storms in where he is called from. He closed the door behind him with such a force that is enough to dislocate it from its frame.

…

**Author's Note:**

> I have no Beta, so there will be grammatical problems ahead, consider yourself warned dear reader.


End file.
